[The Fog of War] My war game
Måns:
The Fog of War is my roleplaying game about war. Its actually about American wars (from WW2 to present day) or more precise It’s about the soldiers who fight the wars and what they need to do and who they need to be in order to be a good soldier, to function as a soldier.
So, this is my first game in english (Im swedish) so I could really need some help from you guys with the language. Id appreciate it if you read through the first part of the game and tell me if there are any errors.
Also, Id like you to read it through and comment on the game mechanics. Its been playtested and the game works like I want it to do, but I dont know if the text is clear enough.
Heres a link to the game, the first part of the (the core game mechanics and character creation). Its a Google Document, all you have to do is follow the link. You can comment by mark a word and left click. Or you can comment in this thread.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M4sRd-GWd-C3g1qSr5e9izYwGX9hvB8soQ8WNdnfs_k/edit?hl=en_US
Heres the character sheet:
http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/9070/formno1.jpg
Spectre:
The game has an interesting concept. I will look into it further when I have more time. I am a sucker for Morale and ethics heavy war games so I will be a little biased in my review; but in a good way!
Double_J:
The character sheet grabbed me right away. As a vet, it really took me back to those days -- I actually found myself remembering sitting at the reception station where I got in-processed to boot camp (quite the culture-shock moment for me). I really like your attention to detail -- this is a clear demonstration of how all the "little pieces" form to be the "big picture".
The game itself reads a lot like AW -- both in substance and in style. Very evocative. The rules seem straight forward and easy to follow -- and I imagine that it would play the same.
Based on how character development works and your expected RL timeline, I would have to assume that the scenes are expected to move pretty quickly, with transitions being brief and to the point. At first, the expected play time seemed a little short; but the more I think about it, the more I realize that long, drawn-out multi-session stories might just be a little unhealthy. Good call on story length.
I'm interested in seeing how you flesh-out the "The Army" chapter. I realize that this game is supposed to center around the thoughts and motivations of characters; but I really like crunchy bits in my RPGs. With that in mind, I thought that the "Mission" chapter was a little short on details; but that may just be my own biases getting in the way.
If I had to nit-pick, it would be about just one point -- if the game is about male soldiers, then using "she" just seems (to me) like your trying to be politically correct only for the sake of being politically correct; which some people may view as being needlessly pretentious. (that's not an attack on you -- just an observation about perceptions)
As to errors .... I noticed a few typos, but only the type which are to be expected from a non-native speaker. Though, to be honest, I've seen native speakers really butcher some things that actually made it to publishing. Never underestimate the value of a good proof-reader. (if you want, I can snag many of them for you -- just say the word. at only 29 pages, it wouldn't be much trouble)
Also, if I were an English professor, I'd probably note a few grammar/structure issues. However, I'm not one ... the only "issues" seem to be that of style -- i.e., a matter of "conversational" versus "proper". Your general over-all tone seemed to be rather conversational (and intentionally so), so I personally wouldn't worry about that.
Well, I hope that was helpful.
stefoid:
I had the briefest of looks, saw a bit clearly labelled "why you roll, and when you roll" and thought - cool! I will read more of this when I have time.
over and out.
stefoid:
Looks great to me.
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